FAB IN VEGAS

April 06, 2006

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I'm in Las Vegas dropping in on the Fab 5, who are shooting several mind-blowing episodes of QUEER EYE.

My Vegas threshold is usually 48 hours of entertainment before I want to throw a match on the town as I watch it disappear in the rearview mirror.

Some things about Vegas are unavoidable. There are amusement park-style lines for everything, and I am not amused. There are people wearing badges with their names and the company they represent, and I don't want to know. "The Price is Right Live" is considered a viable option for a night out at the theater, and it sounds kind of good. It costs four bucks per transaction at an ATM regardless of where you are. There is bad, multicolored, ill-advised patterned carpet everywhere and it's only a matter of time before they just carpet the streets, throw a roof over them and make the whole town indoor.

I landed at 10 pm, waited in a 40-minute taxi line, and then waited in a 20-minute check-in at the Paris hotel -- which is more like a Hilton than a city. I dropped off my bags and bolted to meet Carson, Jai, Thom and the fab Scout Productions team of Michael Williams, Linda Lea and David Collins at the Imperial Palace -- which was neither Imperial nor a Palace.

What this loveable dump did have was "Dealertainment!" Celebrity-impersonator dealers lorded over each table. "Michael Jackson" ruled the roulette, "Blondie" brokered blackjack and "Marilyn" massacred the memory of Monroe. Led by Carson (wearing white pants, Gucci loafers and a white Ralph Lauren cashmere sweater), we parked at "Gwen Stefani's" 15 dollar-minimum blackjack table. "Gwen" was on fire and I was up. She dealt for an hour before hitting the stage next to our pit to perform her number. (Dealertainment involves the dealers actually performing.) She sang better than Jessica Simpson, which is unfair to "Gwen," who really could sing.

Thom got a call from Kyan and disappeared to go direct him how to get from Caeser's to our table at the Imperial. We stayed put and ("True Blue" era) "Madonna" dealt. I was down.

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