Swimsuit Fashion Disasters

June 09, 2006

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I am a firm believer in the swim "trunk." For me, this comes in the form of Nike running shorts that I use as a swimsuit. This is what works for me. The shorts are versatile, not too long (I have short legs), and, most importantly, as flattering as a swimsuit can be. People -- let's face it I'm talking about the gays -- seem to forget that whether a swimsuit is flattering should be Topic A when picking out beach gear. Sometimes this gets lost in the name of fashion.

If you're looking for bad, fashion-victim swimsuits, head to East Hampton's gay beach: Two Mile Hollow. As Jerry Seinfeld walks by on a stroll from his nearby house, and he often does, you see him mentally making notes about gays and the way they "present" themselves. What makes this beach different from, say, the Fire Island beaches is that the default swimsuit of FI seems to be a bikini. Doesn't matter your shape or size, it’s ok to throw on a banana hammock on Fire Island. Some people in the Hamptons use the bikini fallback, but most are blinded by fashion.

Once I was pulled into a bathing suit fashion shoot for Out that was happening on the beach with the writer Bob Morris, who was cleverly modeling overcoats among other normal guys in swimsuits. I was in trunks and when the pics came out I praised Allah and all else for saving me from the urges that had succumbed the surrounding fashion roadkill.

Go to that beach and you're liable to find the "hot" swimsuit of the season on a variety of body types, none in the image of the designer responsible. How many years did we suffer through the parade of Burberry square-cut bikinis? And did they actually look good on any of their brave models? Of course not. I'm not sure that a tan plaid square bikini would look good on David Beckham, by the way.

The gays have not realized who the enemy is, and that it is among them. I'm not talking about Bush or Rove or any of them – I’m talking about the square-cut bikini. It has infiltrated the masses and is on a path to destruction a la Saddam. It separates buttcheeks! It flattens butts at the same time! It creates an unweildy midsection! It traps and boxes in your "business"! The square-cut takes prisoners and does not negotiate with terrorists!

The boys at Two Mile Hollow have not gotten the message that just because a swimsuit looks great on an Italiano from the pages of Vogue Homme, it’s not looking the same on your or my Semitic ass. Trust me, I've been burned. A few years ago, in the midst of my going through an intense Paul Smiith moment, a pal gave me an amazing Paul Smith stripey/swirly bikini in classic PS colors for my birthday.

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