Again, I Am NOT Andre Balasz

July 31, 2006

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Two of the publications that I rely on most for up-to-the-minute news have recently reported that I am, in fact, Andre Balazs, or at least that we are identical twins that they are incapable of telling apart.

A couple weeks ago, the New York Post, my first stop every morning for everything, ran a photo of me frollicking in the waters of St. Tropez with Uma Thurman. I certainly didn't object to their running that photo and I actually would like to know why it didn't get better placement. But I was amused when they identified me not as Andrew, the king of television, but Andre, the king of hip hotels.

It's happened again. This time by People, in their newest issue in which Lance Bass comes clean with the stop-the-presses, headline news that he is indeed a homo. The breaking news for me was not about Lance and Reichen but when I turned to the "I Just Can't Quit You!" chart of couples who break up and get back together again. Amidst Pam and Kid Rock, Sienna and Jude, there I am again confused for the Hungarian Hotelier frolicking with Thurman!

Are Andre and I so alike that two photo editors could become utterly betwix'd and befuddled when sorting photos from their "St. Tropez, frolicking in" photo file?

Here's what I do know about me and Andre: I know that I can't get a rate at the Chateau Marmont through NBC Universal and he owns the place. I know that while we both have dark hair, I have a little body hair and he looks fairly smooth to me. I don't speak French and I am sure he purrs it like a kitten. I know that I am of Russian and Polish descent and he is Hungarian. So we are indeed both Men of the Eastern Bloc. We also both love votive candles; I am sure we have that in common.

I think the only place to go from here is for Andre and I to actually switch identities. It is what The Post and People seem to want desperately. I can keep Lindsay's "deliveries" to the Chateau on the DL. I know that I can keep the secrets of the Mercer, but can Mr. Balazs be trusted with the secret of who gets kicked off "Project Runway" next week? I can wine and dine Uma, but there is the issue of my playing for a different team than Andre. I don't want to add any other complications to -- if we are to believe -- what is an already intense (see People chart, page 63) relationship.

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