Episode 3: All Your Gaydar Are Belong To Us

October 31, 2007

I'll dive right into it, as there is a lot of ground to cover in this particular episode. The boys are in the backyard, laughing, joking, and smiling. One of them is Michael who was nearly eliminated last episode by James. There's a distinct whiff of Europeanism to Michael. I feel like he's from Greece. Michael tells the boy that he's bisexual. He is from Greece!

Brief aside: Maybe you don't realize how depressing it is to hear gay guys begrudgingly own up to having slept with a woman. I spent every waking moment of my life trying to get laid (and also not succeeding!). Michael just forced it out of his teeth as if naming communist sympathizers.

Next we are alerted to a development in the boy's house. Brian H. is digging on Dan. Going in, this was the major flaw of "Boy Meets Boy". How is it that all these hot guys aren't clawing all over each other when James isn't around? The closest comparison I can make would be having a bunch of chicks from Girls Gone Wild compete with me the prize -- by the end, it'd be as if I didn't exist.

Brian H. informs us of his impending crush on Dan. He hasn't found a boy that he really likes in a long time and now, with James and Dan, he's suddenly found two. Dan shows off his bare ass in the shower and makes some comments alluding to the cuteness of Brian's "trail". Whatever. He's not gay; I'm still not sold.

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Episode 2: A Slim Jim in a Meat Locker

October 12, 2007

To watch Episode Two, click here.

Episode 2 kicks off with James getting an invite to learn line dancing at a dude ranch. Dance lessons? Don’t they wrestle bulls and brand them with hot rods on dude ranches? Ang Lee really has changed the tenor of the Western genre.

Some words, if I may, on the host Dani. She’s very polished, professional. She clearly knows what she’s doing -- perhaps a little too much. It’s as if someone grabbed a hot blonde from off the street and implanted Robin Leech’s brain inside. But with James as stoic as he is (score one for breaking gay stereotypes by the way), Dani is sorely needed and she tries to loosen him up by giving him a cowboy hat and a handkerchief. It does make him more animated. He looks like Woody from Toy Story now.

On the limo ride over to the dude ranch James manages to look even less like a cowboy. Now he looks more like a dancer at a hen party. He and the boy-testants arrive to the open arms of cowboy dance instructor Jorge, a swarthy Latino with hips that don’t lie and jeans painted on by Sherman Williams. It is in times like this I have to pause the video and stare at my latest issue of Maxim. I mean this is gay -- really, really gay. Jorge asks, “Where are the girls?” as if anyone, including him, really cares.

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Episode 1: No Straight’s In the Champagne Room

October 01, 2007

Before I was OUTzone’s straight staffer I hadn’t found myself in very many gay situations. To be perfectly honest, I’m not even sure what constitutes a “gay situation.” Over the summer, I was supposed to go see Live Free or Die Hard but wound up buying tickets for Stardust. Is that gay? Is that even PC? It’s not something I know.

But here I sit at OUTzone HQ, surrounded by women who look up even less to say hi to me, and men who have never even heard of a beer gut. It’s 2am, there’s a “Girls Gone Wild: Real Word Contestants” infomercial on the TV in the lobby and I’m set to watch “Boy Meets Boy,” America’s first gay reality dating show. Whippee! I can barely contain my excitement. So let’s dive right in.

The episode begins with a rundown on “leading man” James. I have a feeling “leading man” are to become my least two favorite words in the English language. James seems nice. He’s a professional, has a close-knit community of friends, and stays active. The voice over lays out the stakes of the game and then refers to him as “exceptional.” He sounds bionic. Then she calls the game’s 15 prospective suitors as “extraordinary.” They’re all bionic! This is going to be bitchin’.

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