Episode 1: No Straight’s In the Champagne Room

October 01, 2007

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Before I was OUTzone’s straight staffer I hadn’t found myself in very many gay situations. To be perfectly honest, I’m not even sure what constitutes a “gay situation.” Over the summer, I was supposed to go see Live Free or Die Hard but wound up buying tickets for Stardust. Is that gay? Is that even PC? It’s not something I know.

But here I sit at OUTzone HQ, surrounded by women who look up even less to say hi to me, and men who have never even heard of a beer gut. It’s 2am, there’s a “Girls Gone Wild: Real Word Contestants” infomercial on the TV in the lobby and I’m set to watch “Boy Meets Boy,” America’s first gay reality dating show. Whippee! I can barely contain my excitement. So let’s dive right in.

The episode begins with a rundown on “leading man” James. I have a feeling “leading man” are to become my least two favorite words in the English language. James seems nice. He’s a professional, has a close-knit community of friends, and stays active. The voice over lays out the stakes of the game and then refers to him as “exceptional.” He sounds bionic. Then she calls the game’s 15 prospective suitors as “extraordinary.” They’re all bionic! This is going to be bitchin’.

One of James’ friends tells the camera, “James is a catch.” 22! He’s gay, ladies -- the jokes on you. Wait, sorry. That’s the point here isn’t it? For a second I blacked out and thought I was watching Fox.

After all the pre-game hoopla (insert straight guy sports analogy here) James finally makes himself known to the host, walking out to a severe lack of music. Seriously, this is a big moment. Can we get the old Johnny Carson theme or something?

Now here’s where I veer off your gaydar as a straight man because, instead of checking out British/New Zealand/Australian game host Dani Behr, I’m noticing the furniture. Let’s just say it would have matched nicely the Carson theme song. Where is this being taped, Bing Crosby’s basement? Not nearly as stylish as my stereotypical mind would have imagined. Todd Oldham would have thrown up from all the shag in this place.

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