James seems to have several of these moments. I’m calling them “parent/child switch bodies like it’s a late 80’s movie” moments. Is he going to dance on a piano in a toy store next? Or do whatever it was Judge Reinhold might have done in his lame imitation of a movie of the same sort?

When James shows up at the house to meet up with the boys I notice the deft way that Sean backs out of kissing him hello.

All the guys are on horses except that Robb is pulling up the rear and, for once, he’s upset about it. Yowzas! Bang! Zoom! I’m here all night. The straight guy’s here all night.

This time James has his one on one with Brian the lascivious bartender. I only say lascivious because of James’ massive misgivings about Brian’s profession -- perhaps over blown misgivings. It’s not the oldest profession James. It’s not even “agent at William Morris.” He asks Brian some of his Miss America questions and Brian seems to convince him that bartending is just a way for him to pay the bills. What he really wants to do is … frankly, I forget what he wants to do. I nodded off. Whatever it is, it’s far less interesting on a social level and he won’t get laid off of it nearly as much.

His next “date” is with the bedeviling Robb but it doesn’t go so well thanks to the windy conditions. Dust keeps getting in their eyes and they have to hold down the picnic blanket to prevent it from flying off. The date could have been called off because of weather conditions but dating isn’t baseball. *Dating is football, a contact sport. And it’s gay dating so throw in the mild homo-erotic undertones of football too.
*this straight guy sports analogy has been brought to you by Ben-gay sports cream. Play tough then cream it!

Whatever the fault, it’s really not clicking between them. Even with the harsh conditions James manages to read off an assembly line of questions to Robb and I start having flashbacks of that old Magic Johnson talk show. James: Try a little conversation. You don’t have to be Charlie Rose but at least try for Bob Costas.

It’s another out of place chauffer! They’re like shooting stars. All of them pile into the limo to head home. Andra is alone in the bedroom. James knocks before entering and asks if she’s naked, effectively breaking the fourth wall and reminding us that a camera crew is filming all of this. Otherwise, James forgoes the courtesy knock. Incidentally, I can’t prove this but I swear I saw Andra try and tear her bra off before James walked in.

James, Andra, Franklin, Brian, Robb, Wes, Sean, and Darren have group … dinner. What’d you think I was going to say? Over dinner Franklin gestates into a sort of soldier for the good, speaking passionately about his travels and his favorite wines. It’s Sideways with a hunkier, less pathetic Paul Giamatti or Billy Zane in any movie before his evil turn.

Host Dani drops in to announce there will be another round of eliminations. The odd thing is she does it while sitting in James’ lap. Is she hitting on him? Could she have misunderstood the point of the show, thinking James is the one pretending to be gay? Or does her Robin Leech inflection betray an even darker secret? What’s the ‘T’ in LGBT stand for again?

Darren and James go into the other room for their one on one and Darren finally gets a little physical by inducing a kiss. It is brief but it lingers long enough for Franklin to have peeked in on it. He’s not happy. Boy scouts finish last Frankie.

What follows is a misplaced male stripper segment. Two Mexican looking gentleman strut in after a mysterious knock at the front door. They’ve heard about a fire, or a disturbance, or something, and strip into thong underwear. They get dissed quickly and subsequently ignored. Instead, the beefcake boys take turns giving James their own personal lap dances.

Sean adds some qualified, 3rd person narrative, suggesting that everyone had a great time that night. It’s the trademark “at camera” interview, always present on a reality television show. Sean has it down pat too. He gives the camera that boy band tilt of the head while he talks expressively about whatever the fuck he’s talking about and there’s a discernible intensity in his eyes. In fact, if I close mines, or plug my ears (either one, really) it may as well be Tom Cruise lecturing an unwed, clinically depressed, pregnant Oprah watcher who just registered 2.5 Boredom on the Dianetics Tone scale. Hey, on second thought maybe Sean really is gay.

After the fun-had-by-all dinner party (except the mimbo strippers), James stays with Sean and the two share a classically awkward, “looks like we’re at the front door” moment. He’s like a moist red apple Sean. Kiss him! A Red Delicious even -- he’s a sweaty, ripe Red Delicious apple ready to be eaten … and actually that sounds a little gross. Okay, so let’s drop the sweating from the mixed metaphor because who would eat a sweaty apple? And he’s not even an apple for that matter, he’s a gay man so … plus apples can’t sweat, that I’m aware of … you know what, drop the apple metaphor. Just drop the whole thing. Let’s do away with that one, shall we? So Sean should kiss James but he doesn’t. All I’m trying to say here is that I’ve been in enough awkward, last stage of the night, dating routines to know when it’s there for the picking and James’ apples were ready to be plucked by Sean … and suddenly apple expresses an entirely different metaphor just through pluralization.

In the morning it’s time for Wes’ coveted one-on-one with James and that means he gets to cook him breakfast in bed. A whole lot of work for a whole lot of nothing if you ask me but Wes is eager to please. However, things turn into a nursery rhyme when Wes gets to the kitchen pantry only to discover that all of the cupboards are bare. It’s a “Top Chef” Quickfire challenge with Wes, assisted by Andra, whipping up a respectable continental breakfast from little more than some ketchup, eggs, and a half empty box of Maypo. James and Wes have breakfast in bed and, despite all that whoo-hoo-hooing by the cast, when this date was announced, nothing romantic happens.

The final chapter is upon us and it’s time for Elimination. James kicks things off with a few words to the boys. He considers them all “good friends.” Two of the three to get turned away are who I expected. Sean says bye-bye and adds that this reality game show “is going to be a big step in the gay revolution.” Here’s what I like about the gay revolution: There’s far less blood shed than, say, the Haitian uprising in the 1790’s but it’s as just a cause … so maybe measuring the progress of that movement by citing a dating show, not the best method of quantification. Incidentally, Sean ain’t gay. However, Robb is -- just not for James.

The final elimination comes down to a mano y mano between Darren and Franklin. Darren is also asked to not drink champagne. So despite their apparent chemistry James gives him the boot; Franklin blows him a kiss of death as he turns around to wave goodbye to everyone; the remaining boy-testants take an exhausted sip of champagne as if they had just been working down the mines and they share yet another group hug. Are they playing for an NBA Championship? For the record, Darren is also a gay man.

The final scene is a private discussion between host Dani and James in what I believe to be Ewan MacGregor’s living room from that movie Down With Love. “When you talk it’s always bad news,” says James, flashing that gay charm on her no doubt. “Are you ready? Are you ready?” she asks him about hearing her big reveal. He says yes but his eyes say “come on with it bitch.” The music builds and then she does. One of the three remaining boy-testants, Wes, Franklin, or Brian, is actually straight. Camera pulls in on James: “Wow.”

All jokes aside, I really dug this moment. James seems genuinely shocked, caught in a moment of honest contemplation. It’s just too bad I knew this all along. Oh, and judging from the next week preview, Andra is going to loose it. Yes!

I'll dive right into it, as there is a lot of ground to cover in this particular episode. The boys are in the backyard, laughing, joking, and smiling. One of them is Michael who was nearly eliminated last episode by James. There's a distinct whiff of Europeanism to Michael. I feel like he's from Greece. Michael tells the boy that he's bisexual. He is from Greece!

Brief aside: Maybe you don't realize how depressing it is to hear gay guys begrudgingly own up to having slept with a woman. I spent every waking moment of my life trying to get laid (and also not succeeding!). Michael just forced it out of his teeth as if naming communist sympathizers.

Next we are alerted to a development in the boy's house. Brian H. is digging on Dan. Going in, this was the major flaw of "Boy Meets Boy". How is it that all these hot guys aren't clawing all over each other when James isn't around? The closest comparison I can make would be having a bunch of chicks from Girls Gone Wild compete with me the prize -- by the end, it'd be as if I didn't exist.

Brian H. informs us of his impending crush on Dan. He hasn't found a boy that he really likes in a long time and now, with James and Dan, he's suddenly found two. Dan shows off his bare ass in the shower and makes some comments alluding to the cuteness of Brian's "trail". Whatever. He's not gay; I'm still not sold.

It’s a Giraffe! The boys are going to a zoo. We get a montage filled with turtles, and orangutans, and big cats. I get it, zoo. Darren stars at a lizard as if he were communicating with it. Then the lesbian (just a guess) animal curator hands Andra a note. She reads it.

“This is so hard!” Andra exclaims. Both Andra and James really wear their hearts on their tongues. It’s either that or some mad scientist pulled out whatever part of their brains that commit to inner monologue. It reminds me of those old black & white ear robots in bad science fiction. “I am walking left. Execute termination of gay boy from dating show.”

So what was so hard? Andra has to pick one of the boys for James to spend alone time with at the zoo. She gnashes her teeth then chooses Matthew. So James and Matt go on their date. They give us another shot of that giraffe.

*Straight guy tangent: Should I be scared of giraffes? No, I mean this. Let’s just say one walks up to me on the street, for whatever reason. Am I meant to be scared? Could they kick the shit out of me, or something? I just had to wonder. Back to “Boy Meets Boy”!

Matthew, who is tall, talks about the benefits of being in a tall relationship. He expertly describes to James what it feels like to spoon someone who is roughly 6’2 inches in height. So unless Matthew is banging tons of supermodels, he’s gay.

Meanwhile (cue the Batman logo): The boys are having a water bottle fight. Lorna injects herself into it. No one cares how wet that t-shirt gets, Lorna. No one. Why is it when James leaves -- fun suddenly erupts among the guys? Like he’s the RA in a gay dorm. The zoo trips winds to a close with no apparent chemistry between James and Matthew. We get, at my estimate to be, the eighteenth shot of windmills in Palm Springs -- enough to power ten of their most deluxe tanning salons.

Back at the Godfather-2-Lake-Tahoe inspired home they’re all living under one roof in, Andra rather clumsily asks for Dan and James to talk it out. In the first episode Dan told James he had a boyfriend in New York but that it’s an open relationship. The following episode he told Andra his boyfriend, Chris, was a distant memory in his rear view mirror and that he hoped James didn’t get the wrong impression that he was still involved with someone. Why would James think that? Wait, I know … because you told him that.

Dan tells James he’s not involved with Chris. This ‘Chris’, by the way, sounds like my Canadian girlfriend ‘Anya’ back in eighth grade. James accepts Dan’s answer but doesn’t seem a whole lot convinced by it. After he leaves Dan emotes like a young James Dean. Did I mention he’s an actor?

Next stop? Gay karaoke!

I’ve noticed twice now that when the boys are driven to whatever destination the show has cooked up for them, there’s always an out of place looking chauffer opening the door. It’s always someone who looks very new to this country and he’s fled from his perhaps politically conflicted, war-torn country and now he finds himself on a gay reality dating show.

“What are those cameras? What is this -- a game show? A dating show? A dating show. Well then where are the ladies? Oh.”

The men all sing the same disco classic at karaoke. I’ve been to karaoke before (it’s not just a gay thing) and I can think of nothing more exciting than watching ten other people sing the same song you just sang. When it’s mixtape Sean’s turn he elects not to dance but rather bust a move. Really bust a move. He goes all Tom Cruise on Oprah’s couch, shaking it up ... shaking it off. Robb observes, “He’s got something there he’s not letting people see.”

Modesty Robb.

Wes is chosen by James to sing a duet on stage and, though he cackles and jives his way through it, the end result is a shared moment. James helps him along since he knows the words (don’t ask me what the song is) and he compares it to Wes helping him along during the rock climb episode last week. Climb every mountain and lift each voice boys. Incidentally, I like Wes. Not like like … but you know.

Finally we get to elimination. The twist this week is that Andra has veto power over one of James’ choices to be eliminated. She has a near conniption. The poor thing looks like a wet cat.

The boys are again broken into groups with James having to choose one from each to eliminate. Gone are Matthew (gay), Michael (gay), and Sean (straight). But the last group is Franklin, Dan and Wes. James scratches his head like he’s about to turn into the Hulk. Actually James handles these moments well (all except the light banter) but Andra dissolves into a puddle of mess. To her, it’s Sophie’s Choice.

In the end it’s Dan who gets booted! I rub my hands together in anticipation. Is he gay? Is he straight? I just don’t know (I know). I’ve seen through your charade Dan. I’ve been calling this one since the beginning. So bring it. All your gaydar are belong to us.

Drum roll …

He’s GA..straight? Bwah?! Light the confetti on fire, and lock up your daughters. What this will mean for Dan’s acting career only time can tell.

To watch Episode Two, click here.

Episode 2 kicks off with James getting an invite to learn line dancing at a dude ranch. Dance lessons? Don’t they wrestle bulls and brand them with hot rods on dude ranches? Ang Lee really has changed the tenor of the Western genre.

Some words, if I may, on the host Dani. She’s very polished, professional. She clearly knows what she’s doing -- perhaps a little too much. It’s as if someone grabbed a hot blonde from off the street and implanted Robin Leech’s brain inside. But with James as stoic as he is (score one for breaking gay stereotypes by the way), Dani is sorely needed and she tries to loosen him up by giving him a cowboy hat and a handkerchief. It does make him more animated. He looks like Woody from Toy Story now.

On the limo ride over to the dude ranch James manages to look even less like a cowboy. Now he looks more like a dancer at a hen party. He and the boy-testants arrive to the open arms of cowboy dance instructor Jorge, a swarthy Latino with hips that don’t lie and jeans painted on by Sherman Williams. It is in times like this I have to pause the video and stare at my latest issue of Maxim. I mean this is gay -- really, really gay. Jorge asks, “Where are the girls?” as if anyone, including him, really cares.

James has to make a decision and choose one of the boys for a one on one dance, followed by a private picnic chat. He picks Franklin, an eager beaver of a boy who seems almost dutiful when under James’ remote gaze. The two actually look good together on the dance … dirt?

The next event has some of the boys going on a rock climbing expedition. Now this is interesting because I remember distinctly, in episode 1, how active James was and how important it was for him to find someone with a love of the outdoors. All the boys scale the modestly sized rock they’ve been tasked to climb but when it comes to the leading man’s turn, he freezes.

It happens to the best of them. James simply has to conquer his fear. It’s a very Batman moment, coming from a straight guy. “Don’t allow the fear to consume you James!” I want to scream out but I don’t. James manages to reach the top of the boulder and credits Wes for talking him through it and giving him the confidence to succeed. He credits him a lot actually -- maybe too much. I watched the whole thing and I could have sworn all I heard Wes say was something like, “Let’s go man.” I got that much encouragement from my high school P.E. instructor.

Anyway, after the climb, and Wes’ supposed heroics, James goes away with Darren for a one on one meal -- some alone time, if you will. Finally! I know I’m not gay but I’d still like to see some action. Why isn’t anyone jumping James’ bones yet? Get these boys a tape with “Elimidate” on it please.

In the end the dinner was just two guys getting to know each other. Notice how I didn’t put that in quotation marks? These guys are painfully shy and I keep imagining watching this show through the eyes of unexposed Methodists from Alabama. How shocking to them would it be when, in the first five minutes, no guy trades his shirt in for a fluffy pink boa and begins humping the closest leg. Apart from the shyness, I also notice how forced James is in these one-on-ones. Here’s what I notice about him: there’s always an awkward pause after he says something. Always. …

Andra takes all the boys not invited to go rock climbing on a shopping spree at a .99 Cent store so they can buy gifts for James in accordance with her advice. It’s in this scene where we get one of the real intriguing developments on the show: Does Dan have a boyfriend? In the last episode, he told James there was someone special in New York waiting for him but that they were in an open relationship. This set off some warning bells for James and Andra, as you might well imagine, and so she sought to clear the air.

Andra: “Dan, do you have a boyfriend back in New York.”

Dan: “No. That was like months ago.”

Andra: “Okay.”

Dan: “Totally.”

The End. You have to understand, I am so completely convinced of Dan’s heterosexuality that all of this runs together into one big lie to me. I understand though that neither Andra nor James has any clue to it so I do understand the intrigue and am compelled by it.

When Elimination rolls around James is handed a twist: the remaining twelve mates are divided into groups of four, and one from each group must be chosen to leave. It’s adios to Jim; he who wear-eth overalls -- a clear indication of body issues by the way -- and it would turn out that Jim is actually straight. Again, overalls? Marc is also let go because of a lack of chemistry. Turns out he’s gay though.

Then there is the case of Paul, the 14-year-old boy among boys who look like supermodels. The other three choices in Paul’s group were cleft chinned Robb, Michael with the washboard abs and computer science degree, and Wes who, as I’ve previously elaborated, saved James from falling to his death that day. Next to these three fine specimens -- these three men of man steak -- stood poor Paul, looking like a Slim Jim at a meat factory. In the end James chooses Michael over Paul. He puts it bluntly: “(Michael is) more stable, more settled, more … attractive.” Ouch.

Paul is also straight which makes me feel only slightly less sorry for him. His timidity may not have been painful inexperience after all, rather mild homophobia mixed with a tinge of genetic envy. And with that, another episode of “Boy Meets Boy” has come and went. The boys share a laugh over champagne, maybe a hug or two, and Andra cries for absolutely no reason.

But here I sit at OUTzone HQ, surrounded by women who look up even less to say hi to me, and men who have never even heard of a beer gut. It’s 2am, there’s a “Girls Gone Wild: Real Word Contestants” infomercial on the TV in the lobby and I’m set to watch “Boy Meets Boy,” America’s first gay reality dating show. Whippee! I can barely contain my excitement. So let’s dive right in.

The episode begins with a rundown on “leading man” James. I have a feeling “leading man” are to become my least two favorite words in the English language. James seems nice. He’s a professional, has a close-knit community of friends, and stays active. The voice over lays out the stakes of the game and then refers to him as “exceptional.” He sounds bionic. Then she calls the game’s 15 prospective suitors as “extraordinary.” They’re all bionic! This is going to be bitchin’.

After all the pre-game hoopla (insert straight guy sports analogy here) James finally makes himself known to the host, walking out to a severe lack of music. Seriously, this is a big moment. Can we get the old Johnny Carson theme or something?

Now here’s where I veer off your gaydar as a straight man because, instead of checking out British/New Zealand/Australian game host Dani Behr, I’m noticing the furniture. Let’s just say it would have matched nicely the Carson theme song. Where is this being taped, Bing Crosby’s basement? Not nearly as stylish as my stereotypical mind would have imagined. Todd Oldham would have thrown up from all the shag in this place.

James forces a smile as host Danni speaks and then we met James’ fruit fly, Andra. “Someone he dismissed (a little too early) might get another chance,” she shares. Her and James are introduced to the wall of boys and James hopes they look like this in reality. So James wants Andra’s opinion (a rare occurrence I bet) on which boy’s would be in her top 5. Andra goes on to pick all 15.

We get out the house, thank god, and over to the pool, constructed as the center of an off kilter Hawaiian luau motif. This is where we get the fireworks popping. James meets the boys. We’ve watched enough “Rock of Love” and “Flavor of Love” to know how this game gets played. They’ll be showing off their best moves to make a strong first impression. Let the games begin!

Jason walks out and mutters something. Jim steps out. What was that? Did he say something or just shake his hand then rub it on his shorts? C’mon, what is this? Fantasy Baseball summer league?

Michael comes out with an obscenely open Hawaiian shirt. He has washboard ads and he’s a computer assistant. What IT guy works out this much? A gay IT guy, I remind myself.

Darren is next and has a t-shirt on that reads ‘Sober’. Now I don’t know why but this tips me off to him being gay. I can’t explain it, other than instinct. That shirt tipped off my gaydar for the same unexplainable reason I picked up on being in a gay bar once because of a picture of Richard Pryor in the movie The Bingo Long Traveling All-Stars & Motor Kings mounted in the bathroom.

We met all the rest: Chris is a molecular biologist with Evander Holyfield’s biceps. Sean hands James a mixtape. Gay? Straight? This dude's bad news for either gender. He’ll be hanging out your window blasting Peter Gabriel from a boom box first time you don’t return his call. Wes walks out brimming with fake self-confidence. Get this boy a bear. We meet Robb-- who I hope is gay otherwise I’ll think he’s a douche. Paul looks 14. Dan is straight.

“What an interesting cross-section,” remarks James, who must only go to beach volleyball tournaments in his free time. It’s all quite lovely and they all gather for a sort of “Boy Meets Boy” group hug. I think I just saw Dan pinch Andra’s butt.

The rest of the episode is James … mingling? I guess you’d call it that although James, while a sweetheart, isn’t the most natural of social animals. He walks around the pool and asks about 4 or 5 of the men what type of music they listen to and what they would bring with them on a desert island. Andra perhaps senses the wrong direction he’s heading in and remarks she wants to see James “asking the tough questions.” "Are you gay," would have made a good start but they don’t know any better yet.

It all culminates to the lamest pool party that this straight guy has ever beheld. The only thing I really get coming out of it is that Paul makes me feel sad that there are Dan’s in the world.

It quickly narrows down to elimination. James has to refuse glasses of champagne to three, meaning they go home. This is quickly to become my favorite moment in the show: watching James struggle with light banter as he informs boy-testants that they will be moving on in the game. He does have to get all 15 though, which is tough, and by the end he’s just muttering, “Will you stay?” and glancing at Andra for confirmation.

Right now I’m gripped. I’m a sucker for Day 1 romance, what can I say? I’m so into it, in fact, I utter words that never would I have thought to pass my lips, “How much champagne is left?” I ask myself aloud, then quickly turn over my shoulder to see if I’m still alone.

In the end Brian A. is both straight and eliminated, and Chris and Jason are both gay and eliminated. The remaining boys all breath sighs of relief, James pounds his champagne, and Andra … where is Andra? Making out with Brian A., undoubtedly.