Found Photos, Cars, and Dreamgirls

June 30, 2006

WHO’S THIS GIRL?

Okay, so I’m on Amazon.com ordering the new Leann Rimes pop CD Whatever We Wanna that’s available as an import only. (Look, you knew this was a gay site when you logged on.) After ordering my CD, I thought I’d zip over to the page for my 1998 novel Misadventures in the (213), thinking that maybe basking in my past published-ness might light a fire under my ass and make the new book I’m working on materialize before my eyes fully-formed like one of the chicks on "Charmed." So while I’m there, I notice that there is a used copy of Misadventures for sale for $.01. You read right; one cent. I thought it must be a mistake but then I noticed there were many copies of (213) available for one cent, from many different outlets. Could this be right? Would a bookstore be so sick of having my book around that they’d take a penny to get it off their hands?

You’re darn tootin’, they would -- if they could make a couple bucks profit on the shipping and handling. Once I took my ego out of the equation, I was delighted at this proposition because I like to give my books to people I want something from and my stock was running low. So I ordered a few.

Here’s where things get interesting. The first copy to arrive, from an outlet called Central Book Exchange, had the accompanying two snapshots stuck inside as a placeholder. They’re of a comely young woman -- I’ve decided her name is Lucy -- who seems like quite the good-time gal to me, as I like to imagine many of my readers are. Lucy, it seems, has decided to take a break from reading my book and grab a quick shower. Perhaps she was sweaty from laughing so hard and needed a good rinse-off. Shot #1, shown below, is Lucy pre-shower, hugging a towel to her chest and giving a coquettish look as if to say, “Hurry and take the picture so I can get back to the amazing book I’m reading.”

Shot #2 is where Lucy really gives up the goods. In fact, it’s so good my editors won’t let me show it to you. She’s in the shower with white goo in her hair. I’ll say it’s shampoo. Lucy’s got a big, goofy smile on her face. Perhaps she’s laughing at the memory of a particularly clever passage. Notice also the faint bikini tan line. Maybe Lucy was reading my book at the beach. Or a la plage, if she were in France. She could easily have been in France. I hear they have green washcloths there and notice, Lucy has a green washcloth. I’m not sure what Lucy’s hands are up to but I like to imagine it’s something frisky. Perhaps she figured, "Hensley’s delightful prose has gotten me halfway to heaven, I might as well finish myself off here in the shower."

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On Tivo, and TV

June 23, 2006

A FOND FAREWELL TO A FRIEND

I’d like to start by saying a few words about my first and original Tivo machine, which bit the dust last week after nearly six years of devoted service. That Tivo was there for me -- and my roommate Tony -- in good times and bad. I’ll never forget the moment we realized that if you program the word "Pageant" into your Key Words, you might end up with “Save-til-the-End-of-Time” gems like the Pax channel’s America’s Best Mom Pageant with host Barbara Eden from Bransom, MO. There were some darker days as well, like on the morning of September 11th when we were glued to CNN, Tivo gave us the message, “Tivo would like to change the channel and record Mama’s Family.” Ah, memories.

Our Tivo met its maker just as we were programming it to record the Tony Awards. Maybe it was throwing some kind of “Julia wasn’t nominated” tantrum, though I think it may have just been exhausted from the millions of times we replayed the “Best of T.T. and Mario” sketch from Saturday Night Live where Maya Rudolph and Kenan Thompson sing, “Let me put it in a little bit… just the tip!”

STOP IT, YOU’RE HURTING MY HOO-HOO

Though I missed the Tonys, I was able to get a new Tivo Series II hooked up within days and this one can record more than one program at a time! What that means in practical terms is that I can now watch Ellen and Oprah. I used to opt for the latter because deconstructing Oprah never gets old. It’s my version of the New York Times crossword puzzle and everyday is Sunday.

My Tivo upgrade happened just in time to catch the special episode, Ellen: The Musical, last week and it was the most exercise my ass has had in months. I simply couldn’t stop clenching it. Bless her for trying something different, but by the end of it, when the entire “company” joined came together for a reprise of “Breathe from Your Hoo-Hoo,” I wanted to crawl into my own hoo-hoo and not reemerge until it was safe. I will say this, though: I like my musicals to be catchy and I can’t get that “Hoo-Hoo” song out of my head.

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Paula, Shakira & The Deep Blue Sea

June 01, 2006

DON’T GO AWAY, LITTLE GIRL

With American Idol done for the season, I’ve got a roaring case of the P.A. Shakes. The P.A. Shakes have nothing to do with a Prince Albert. They’re what happens when one gets used to seeing Paula Abdul in their living room several times a week and then she just goes away.

That lady is sunshine in a disco dress, if you ask me. My favorite Paula moment of this season was not televised, however. It happened before my eyes. Back in April, I got to attend a taping of Idol (it was country night—yee-hah) with several friends, one of whom, Mike, is a Paula-phile from way back.

As the pint-sized vibeologist was ushered by us on her way to the judge’s table, Mike opened his button-down shirt Superman style to reveal the T-shirt he bought at Paula’s “Under My Spell” tour in the early 90’s. (On a side note, does anyone else remember that Paula had a contest to name the tour for her Spellbound album? My submission, Spellbound for Disaster, didn’t even make the first cut.) Anyway, when Mike flashed her his Paula shirt, she stopped in her tentative tracks, smiled warmly, then went in for a big, long embrace. As they were hugging, I was certain I’d get to share a moment of eye contact with Paula over his shoulder—she was inches away from me, after all—but it was not to be. Paula’s eyes were closed in rapturous gratitude. Or maybe she just passed out for a bit.

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