CW STands for Crazy Woman + Tyra Banks

October 04, 2006

Page 1 | Page 2

At last, the new season of "America’s Next Top Model" is upon us. I use the term ‘upon us’ because I literally feel that the show is humping my leg — and I’m letting it, gladly. I don’t know if you’ve all noticed but there’s a new, unspoken area of judging this season. The girls not only have to be beautiful, photogenic and say, “Easy, breezy, beautiful Cover Girl,” without forgetting their words ... but this cycle, more than ever, they have to be able to endure — make that enable -- Tyra’s broader-than-ever, Oprah-goes-to-the-Groundlings schtick.

Tyra is out of control. First of all, the would-be models’ house is decked out with a laughable amount of photos of Tyra and ‘Tyra’ signage. I wouldn’t be surprised it the toilet paper had little embossed T’s on it. It’s kind of like when you go to Kenny Rogers Roasters and the walls are all covered pictures of Kenny Rogers. There's Kenny winning awards, golfing, singing with Dolly ... and it makes it hard to eat.

Luckily, no one in the Top Model house is trying to keep food down.

Then Tyra herself shows up in the flesh and that’s when things get really crazy.

This week, she did a weird skit where she was supposed to be impersonating a demanding, diva-ish model … but she just seemed like a crazy person. If I were a contestant, here’s what I would be thinking during Tyra’s faux diva tirade:

‘Oh shit. What is she doing? Is this supposed to be funny? Should I laugh? If I don’t laugh will it count against me? What if it’s not supposed to be funny — like last year when she pretended to pass out from exhaustion? Should I call 9-11? I’m so uncomfortable. Oh God. This is going on forever. The other girls seem to think this is the most entertaining thing they’ve ever seen and I feel a yawn coming on. Don’t show your yawn. Swallow the yawn, girl, or you’re out on your bony ass. This is even worse than when she does the goofy dancing. Remember your mantra: Tyra is Jesus. Tyra is Jesus. Tyra is Jesus. And if you forget it, it’s written on the toilet paper.’

READ MORE > >