Thanks for Sharon Stone

February 13, 2007

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Last weekend, I attended a delightful Super Bowl party where, frankly, I didn’t watch two seconds of the game. Instead I hung out on the patio with some friends old and new and flipped through the week’s tabloids, which our hostess had the good sense to provide.

One photo that ran in more than one rag shook me to the core and I can’t get it out of my mind. No, it’s not Britney’s vag. Or anyone’s vag, for that matter, though the woman pictured became famous for her vag, in a way, so I guess it is vag-related.

Anyway, the picture that’s captured my imagination is of Sharon Stone walking down an LA sidewalk carrying two cardboard drink trays with two Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf drinks in each tray. It’s Sharon Stone toting four coffees basically. I find this incredibly shocking because big stars like Sharon don’t even go get their own coffee, let alone offer to pick up coffees for other people. They have people to do that, don’t they?

After some serious thought, I’ve decided that Sharon must have been getting drinks for three people who are, at the moment, anyway, higher than her on the celebrity food chain, people who Sharon wants something from.

One, I think, is Justin Timberlake. Sharon worked with Justin in the film Alpha Dog and she’s fetching coffee for him because he’s too worn out from banging all those starlets to get it himself. Justin T. can do no wrong at the moment, have you noticed? The straight women I was hanging out with on Super Bowl Sunday were all obsessed with him and said they would bang him without a rubber in front of their husband and children if he wanted them to. JT can call the shots. He can tell, say, Jessica Beil, “Look, you’re pretty and nice and hanging out at Sundance with you has been fun but just FYI, I’m going to tap Scarlet Johanson’s ass in a few days and if you need to just accept it because that’s how I roll.”

So Justin’s definitely getting one of Sharon’s coffees and Sharon’s having one herself. But what about the other two? The Queen of England, maybe. She’s hot hot hot this year what with the movie and all. Jesus is also a possibility. He never really goes out of style. I wouldn’t be surprised if Sharon was trying to woo Mark Cherry or Tina Fey into writing her a pilot so she can be the new Alec Baldwin. Or maybe she met Judy Shephard at a charity event and wants to treat her to a Café Vanilla because she’s so inspiring. The mind reels imagining the possibilities and I hope Sharon starts a celebrity trend. Before you know it, Uma Thurman will be running down the street feeding quarters into expired meters so that people she’s never met don’t get parking tickets. And Nick Lachey will give workout tips at the gym, just to be nice.

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