Top Design 8: Welcome to The Hotel California

March 28, 2007

As the finale nears, I find that there’s less on "Top Design" to make fun of. Do you notice that … or am I just getting lazy? As far as the four remaining designers go -- Matt, Andrea, Carisa and Goil -- it’s serious business.

The challenge this time around is to design a boutique hotel room inspired by one of the four elements; earth, air, fire and water. I was hoping that the hotel rooms would be inspired by one of the girls from “The Facts of Life.”

“Damn, I got Natalie,” someone would say. “I’m so screwed.”

“I’ve never designed a hotel room before but I have been in a few of them,” says Goil, which is all my roommate Tony needed to hear at this point. As I’ve previously written, he’s besotted with the king of the man-curtsies. And now he’s talking about hotel rooms!

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Whining and Dining

March 21, 2007

Isabel Archer, an American heiress and free thinker travels to Europe and makes an unfortunate alliance with Gilbert Osmond, a smooth but cold art collector...

Hold on, what am I doing? I’m supposed to be blogging about Episode 7 of “Top Design” but instead I’m writing a summary of the Henry James novel, The Portrait of a Lady. I blame this mental detour on judge Kelly Wearstler, who has decided to show up for work in full Nicole Kidman Portrait of a Lady-drag. I keep waiting for her to bust out in period lingo. “Me thinks Carisa’s color choices are too bold,” she could say. “What say you, gov-nah?” And just when Kelly was starting to get her groove back after the Unfortunate Crimping Disaster of a few weeks ago.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s take it back to the opening of the show, specifically the “Top Design” theme song. I use the term song loosely because it’s really just some energetic beats accompanied by a series of ‘hey’s and ‘ah’s. This is quite similar to the theme from “America’s Next Top Model,” where Tyra says, “Wanna be on top?” and then the words go, “Na na na na na na...na na na na na na...”

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To All The Idols I've Loved Before

March 21, 2007

This week on “The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll” a girl was eliminated because she was too slutty. That’s gotta hurt. And the ultra-formidable Rob and Amber got the boot on “Amazing Race: All-Stars” while Charla and Myrna lived to “Race” another day. Things are all topsy-turvy in reality land these days and nowhere is this more apparent than on “American Idol.”

Is it just me or is it not very compelling this time around? Don’t get me wrong, I’m still watching … in the hopes that Melinda will suddenly realize how good she is and become an insufferable diva overnight. Or that Blake and Chris might accidentally make out. I’m also hoping that Chris Daughtry might lower himself for a guest appearance but that seems unlikely. He was uncomfortable being there when he was in the competition. Now that he’s the new Creed, I can imagine his road manager saying that his “schedule’s pretty slammed.”

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Top Design 6: When Life Hands You Bacardi Limon...

March 14, 2007

It gives me great pleasure to report that after the lame garage challenge of Episode 5, we have a fun challenge this week. The remaining six designers are going to be divided into two teams and design a party to honor the humanitarian achievements of Bacardi Limon … on the very spot of land, Todd explains, where Elton John throws his annual Oscar party.

This Elton factoid gets me to thinking. You know how sometimes houses can be haunted if they’re built over an ancient Indian burial ground or next to a mental institution or what have you? I would love it if the spirit of Elton John could somehow come up through the sidewalk, take hold in our designers and manifest itself as they work on the challenge. It would be hissy fit city.

Not that it isn’t already. Carisa and Michael get put on the same team and they hate each other. These two have the kind of reality show rivalry that as a viewer, you have to take a side on, but you’re not sure if you’re seeing the whole story. Based on the evidence at hand, I’m on Carisa’s side …but just barely. My friend and fellow TD fan, Tom, has a theory about Michael. He thinks that Michael is really Peter Billingsly, the adorable towhead from the movie A Christmas Story all grown up. I must say the resemblance is uncanny. Tom’s theory is that Michael/Peter is cranky because he didn’t work more after A Christmas Story and he’s taking out his frustrations on poor Carisa …and America at large.

Early on Carisa and Michael’s poor teammate, Matt, expresses that he’s over the group challenges and I have to say, I’m with you, Matt. I hope from here on out we get individual challenges because with the group gropes it’s hard to separate the truly talented from the not as talented. We’ve gotten enough inter-team bickering for one season, now let’s see what the kids can do. At this point, Goil is the only designer whose sensibility I have any kind of handle on. Of course, that may be because he’s this particular blogger’s pet.

Speaking of Goil, he’s the king of the sci-fi/fantasy references this episode. When he learns he’s going to be working with Andrea, he expresses his excitement by saying that if he’s R2D2, she’s R2D…345, “many models ahead” of him. At another point, he refers to himself as a “half-ling, half human, half carpenter.”

If he keeps this up, he’s going to be the toast of Comicon this summer. As if he doesn’t already have enough crazed fans …like my roommate Tony for example, whose gone from total stranger to number one on Goil’s MySpace page in a matter of weeks. If only John Kerry could have waged such a hearty campaign.

While laying out the challenge, Todd instructs the teams that they want their parties to be "sensorial." This is the first time this episode when I think, What language is he speaking?

When Todd sends the team members off in different directions to get started, he gives them all cell phones and you can almost hear the sound of the producers beating their heads against the wall because they couldn’t land a phone sponsor. And frankly, I wish they would have. As a viewer in 2007, it’s disconcerting as to know that there’s a product being used on screen and we don’t know what brand it is. It makes me feel tetherless and unsafe. Me no likey.

During the sketching, shopping, arguing phase, Carisa laments that the fabric choices are very limited because the state law says the fabrics must be flame resistant. There’s a self-loathing gay joke to be made here—perhaps involving Elton John—but I’m just going to keep moving. Besides, I’m too upset about Goil being shut out of the creative process by Andrea and Erik to crack wise. It’s clearly two against one here, which means if they lose the challenge, Goil’s likely to be the Scooter Libby of this particular operation. Of course, the Scooter comparison doesn’t really work because the people surrounding Goil aren’t blood-sucking felons but you get the point, Goil could end up being the team’s fall guy and that’s a terrifying prospect.

Of course, if Goil’s going to get the boot, he’s going to score a few more adorable points on the way out the door. After sampling finger foods at Wolfgang Puck’s, he commits what seems like a faux pas by asking for a doggie bag…tacky, no? Yet they were more than happy to give it to him. You get the feeling that if he were to say, “I like that painting on the wall. Can I have it?” they would have wrapped it up, too. Such is the power of Goil’s charm.

After their various errands, the team members reconvene back in the design studio. “The carpenters are here,” Todd announces. (Every time he says this, I hope Richard and a resurrected Karen will walk in and sing “Close to You” but it never happens.)

“You’ll have half an hour to download them on everything you need.” This is the second time this episode when I think, What language is he speaking?

During the work phase, Matt, Carisa and Michael, or The Bickersons as I like to call them, do a lot of bickering. Meanwhile, Andrea and Matt continue to shut Goil out. Both of these developments are distressing so I’m going to focus on something positive, namely the effortlessly stylish way Goil rocks his work apron. I’d be surprised if H&M aren’t knocking it off as we speak. I’m also a fan of his flourescent orange canvas belt and may try to incorporate one into my own wardrobe …because the apron seems like a reach for me. What am I going to store in it, highlighters?

When Todd pays his Tim Gunn visits to the teams, he reminds them that, “This party is to hero this product.”

It’s the third time this episode when I think, What language is he speaking?

(By the way, Todd Oldham is scheduled to be the "Famous Friend" this weekend on the syndicated radio show I co-host on Twist. To find out where you can listen, visit radiowithatwist.com)

During the work phase, the Bickersons use a lot of bad words that need to be bleeped to refer to each other, which I find very distressing because it’s like they’re trying to do my job. Even more worrisome is the moment when Andrea tells Erik she won’t let Goil touch the chandeliers. This makes me scream at the TV: “Hey Miss Never Heard of Dorothy Draper! The chandeliers were Goil’s idea! And now he’s not allowed to touch them?”

Much is made of a disagreement Michael and Carisa have over the type of go-go dancers they want for their party. Go-go dancers sound like a fun idea to me—Margaret and Kelly go to Chippendales, hooray!—but when we get to the party scene, there are no go-go dancers. The Bickersons decided against them. Couldn’t they have gotten Jai Rodriguez from “Queer Eye” to paint himself yellow and cavort on a Plexiglas cube? Or has his price gone through the rough after “Celebrity Duets?”

During the final rush to finish, Goil laments, “I get the dirty work that they need me to do.” My roommate Tony has turned this into his new ringtone, claiming that with a little imagination, it sounds like Goil’s saying, “I’ll do anything dirty that you want me to do.”

When the teams greet the judges in the White Room, Matt has paint on his shirt. I wonder if he splashed it on there intentionally as a ploy, a subliminal message to the judges that says, “My genius is hands-on.”

The designers aren’t allowed to go to the parties, they have to watch them on video like in the penthouse scenes of “Queer Eye.” I’ll be surprised if at the end of the scene, Michael doesn’t raise a glass of Bicardi Limon and say, “Cheers queers.” (No more “Queer Eye” references from here on out, I promise …what year is this anyway, 2003?)

Though Todd promises that “Hollywood’s grooviest” were invited to the parties, I didn’t recognize anyone. I was hoping that at least one of the Dipsh#ts (explanation to come!) would show up and do something unseemly that would be picked up by In Touch Weekly. I’ve taken to calling the cabal that is Paris, Lindsay, Nicole, Britney and now possibly, Posh, the Dipshits because I feel like they’re all in cahoots like in the movie The Craft and the joke’s on us. I like to imagine that once a month they gather at Paris’s house, get out their datebooks and plan their upcoming escapades. A typical meeting might go like this:

NICOLE: Okay, everyone, I’m planning to drive the wrong direction down the 134 on Sunday, the 16th.

BRITNEY: Damn, y’all, I was going to drop my baby that day, but I can push it three days to the 19th.

LINDSAY: Better make it two days, Brit, because I’m going to change my hair color on the 19th. I’m also planning to show up late for work the entire week of the 24th through the 28th. So block it out, bitches. It’s mine.

(LAUGHTER ALL ROUND)

PARIS: Back to me, everyone. Okay, I’m going to Vegas on the 29th, where I’m going to use the N word in front of Celine Dion’s kid and screw someone crazy, like one of the tigers from Seigfried and Roy or Lindsay’s mom, Dina. Hope that’s okay.

(LINDSAY SHRUGS AND BLOWS A SMOKE RING, POSH GIGGLES)

NICOLE: What’s so funny, Posh?

POSH: It’s just that you guys are so much more fun than that slapper Katie Holmes. Talk about a snoozefest. Speaking of which, who wants to go TP their house? I’ve the code to the gate…

NICOLE: And I’ve got the Vodka and Vicoden!

BRITNEY: I can’t y’all, I’ve got to get home to my kids.

(They look at Britney.)

BRITNEY: Psyche! I’m kidding. I get to ride shotgun!

AND SCENE!

Okay, back to “Top Design.” More specifically the judging room, where the Bickersons bicker and Goil breaks America’s heart by describing his team as, “a kind of club that I can’t not join.” I haven’t wept like this since the first time I saw Rudy. The good news is that after a few underperforming weeks, Kelly Wearstler is back! Nothing demonstrates this more than moment when she asks the Bickersons if they high-fived upon completing their design and Michael and Matt high-five leaving Carisa alone to roll her eyes. It’s a moment of revelation straight out of “Columbo.” Well played, Ms. Wearstler.

While the judges deliberate, Goil expresses his disappointment to Andrea backstage, saying, “I really felt like Jan Brady.” Okay, now Goil’s trying to reel in the TV Land crowd. Don’t get greedy, Goil. One demo per episode if you don’t mind. “You were the first person that I thought I would really like to work with and it was a mess,” he says tearfully, while wearing the niftiest vest I’ve ever seen on basic cable.

Michael puts his arm around Goil to comfort him. My roommate Tony plans to replay this scene over and over in his mind, only in his version, he plays the Michael role and the vest ends up getting sent to the cleaners.

Speaking of happy endings, Goil lives to design another day—whew, that was close—and Erik is sent packing.

“All for a reason,” he says on his way out. “Thank you so much. I really appreciate the opportunity.”

Erik is so super-dooper pleasant in his defeat that I half-expected Todd Oldham to step in and say, “Look punk, I’m the sunny guy on this show. Find another schtick.” But instead Todd says, “You have old school skills. The designer gene is in your DNA.” Maybe it all would have gone differently if Erik had bothered to read “The Secret” but apparently, he’s just too lazy to bother.

Garage of The Damned

March 07, 2007

“It’s kind of a goofy challenge,” proclaims Ryan a few minutes into episode 5 of “Top Design.” For once, the Mayor of Artsy-Fartsyland nails it. This week, the designers’ mission is to team up and remodel a garage for local L.A. family, Patty and Isaac Bell and their three young kids.

Seems the Bells recently bought a new GMC Acadia and need to make room for it in their cluttered garage. They also want a ton of storage space, an office area for mom and a stage so that the kiddies can dazzle the neighborhood with their full-frontal production of “Equus.”

Though the Bells seem like a nice enough family, my first question is, Who did they sleep with? Did they win some kind of drawing at their GMC dealership? Are they friends with the producers? Do the Bells have compromising pictures of Jonathan Adler? What’s the deal here?

The Bells are perfectly agreeable folks but there’s got a be a behind-the-scenes reason they’re there, apart from "We thought it would be fun to do someone’s garage?" I think if TD is going to dedicate an entire episode to something that mundane and anti-glam, there should be some sort of twist. Like the client should be someone famous and quirky, with very specific needs and wants, like The Osbournes (“We got you this dry erase board, Sharon, so you can keep track of who’s in rehab at any given moment.”)

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Remote Control Issues

March 06, 2007

PLAYING THE RACE CARD

"The Amazing Race All-Stars Edition" just premiered and I’m so in. Beauty Queens Candace and Dustin are back and it looks like the came straight from the salon and teeth whitening clinic. My gay Cha Cha Chas are back and they’re already being quippy. And Rob and Amber are as formidable as ever. But it’s really all about Charla and Myrna. More specifically, it’s about Charla, the little person who can! And I’m not just saying that because Charla and I have a romantic history together. This photo was taken after Bravo’s Reality Reunion a few years back. I believe our conversation went something like this.

ME: Oh my God, Charla, I love you!
CHARLA: Thanks. I love you, too.
ME: Will you be in a picture with me?
CHARLA: Sure.
(CLICK)
ME: Thanks.
CHARLA: You’re welcome.

It was a moment in time. Two ships passing in the night. I’ll always wonder what might have been.

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Long Live Theater Queens!

March 05, 2007

Tyler Christopher and Jamison Jones in "Bent"

Back in the glorious 90’s, the theater producers motto seemed to be, ‘If you show penis…they will come.’ My friends and I used to joke about this phenomenon, saying we ought to start a ‘Gay Nude’ rep company where we’d produce shows like "Gay Nude Our Town," "Gay Nude Nunsense" and, of course, "Gay Nude The Most Happy Fella."

I read an article somewhere recently that said that gays aren’t turning out for gay-themed theater like they used to. I believe this article sited the current B’way comedy "The Little Dog Laughed" as an example. It said the gays ain’t showing up like they used to, presumably because in the age of Will and Jack and Noah, we aren’t as starved for representations of ourselves as we used to be. Maybe "Queer as Folk" made us sick of ourselves and we’ve still not recovered.

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