To All The Idols I've Loved Before

March 21, 2007

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This week on “The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll” a girl was eliminated because she was too slutty. That’s gotta hurt. And the ultra-formidable Rob and Amber got the boot on “Amazing Race: All-Stars” while Charla and Myrna lived to “Race” another day. Things are all topsy-turvy in reality land these days and nowhere is this more apparent than on “American Idol.”

Is it just me or is it not very compelling this time around? Don’t get me wrong, I’m still watching … in the hopes that Melinda will suddenly realize how good she is and become an insufferable diva overnight. Or that Blake and Chris might accidentally make out. I’m also hoping that Chris Daughtry might lower himself for a guest appearance but that seems unlikely. He was uncomfortable being there when he was in the competition. Now that he’s the new Creed, I can imagine his road manager saying that his “schedule’s pretty slammed.”

For me the weirdest moment of the season so far was after tall Jared sang “Let’s Get It On” and Ryan Seacrest said something like, “Boy, we all have a lot of memories attached to that song.” I thought to myself, “No, you don’t Ryan. You don’t have memories attached to any songs, let alone sexual memories.”

It was in this moment that I realized that I crossed some kind of line with Seacrest. I still think he’s a good, amiable host, but anything he says that’s meant to imply humanity, I don’t buy for one second. And it’s not just sex stuff. If he were to say, “I love fajitas,” or “This Coldplay song makes me cry,” or “I’ve seen “Jerry Maguire” sixteen times,” I wouldn’t believe it either. Ryan is all about work and becoming the next Dick Clark and anything that comes out of his mouth that doesn’t underscore that seems about as authentic to me as that Teri Hatcher photo op from last year.

It makes me want to write a parody of that Eagles song “Desperado” just for Seacrest. I’d cater all the words to him but keep the original ending, “You better let somebody love you...before it’s too late.”

Some questions about past Idols: Where’s Elliot Yamin? I’m ready to welcome him back into my heart. When did Kelly Pickler turn into Barbara Eden from “Harper Valley PTA?” I turn my back for 20 minutes and now she’s 40. Who voted for Taylor Hicks? I’m just asking because I’ve never met anyone who did. And finally, what was I thinking with my Constantine obsession a few years back?

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