Reality Round-Up: Shear Genius and The Rest of My Favorite Shows

April 30, 2007

As we all know, this is the time of the season when things start to get really intense in reality land; the “Top Model” girls are off in some foreign land, the tribes have merged on “Survivor” and there’s no more non-elimination rounds on “The Amazing Race.” We’re going to hit them all but first let’s start with our fresh-faced newbie “Shear Genius.”

I decided early on in episode 3 that Tyson was going to be my back-up crush if Theodore became annoying and / or got voted off. This turned out to be a huge mistake because over the course of episode 3, my mild-mannered gay Tyson turns out to be neither mild-manner nor gay. He’s the new Matt from “Top Design” right down to the confession room cockiness.

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Shear Genius? or Shear Madness?

April 20, 2007

The first thing that hits me while watching the new Bravo show “Shear Genius” is host Jaclyn Smith’s speaking voice. That smooth, deep voice takes me right back to my childhood when, like many of you, I was obsessed with “Charlie’s Angels.” Jackie’s voice has gotten a little huskier since the 70’s but it’s still weird to hear her saying stuff like, “Paul-John, I’m sorry. This is your final cut,” where you’re used to her saying stuff like, “We’ve got to defuse this bomb, Bri,” and “K-Mart, yes K-Mart.” It’s gonna take a little getting used to.

It’s also surreal that Jaclyn looks virtually the same as she did back in the day, which is to say gorgeous, particularly in the leopard print top and short skirt in episode 2. Jackie has suffered none of the unfortunate plastic surgery excesses of some of her cohorts. Remember when Jaclyn, Kate and Farrah appeared together to honor Aaron Spelling at the Emmy’s last fall? Jaclyn’s subtext was clear: “I win.”

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Lofty Ambitions: The Finale!

April 11, 2007

Note: I wasn't allowed to see the final moments of the "Top Design" finale. But I sure as heck watched it last night at home along with everyone else. No spoilers here, you'll have to scroll all the way to the end to get my comments about who really won.

Show of hands: Who among us hasn’t fantasized about living in a loft? It just seems supercool, right, all that space and natural light and exposed pipes and stuff? I blame the movies of the 80’s for making loft living look so glamorous. I want Demi Moore’s Billy Idol mural from St. Elmo’s Fire, room to crawl across the floor naked and degrade myself like Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks and a dance barre like Jennifer Beals had in Flashdance. Okay, technically that was a warehouse, not a loft, but you get the point. The way I see it, a home ain’t a home unless you can do “Maniac” in it without having to move the couch. The only downside to loft living would be trying to watch porn while your roommate’s home. Maybe that’s what video iPods are for.

Given my love for lofts, I was very excited to learn that for the finale of “Top Design,” finalists Carisa and Matt are going to be tricking out identical 1,700 foot lofts in downtown Los Angeles, an area that Todd claims is totally on the rise. And, Todd adds, they’re going to be working for their “most difficult clients ever.” When he says this, a cavalcade of notorious showbiz pains pass through my mind. Maybe Naomi Campbell could be assigned to Matt. He’d have to do all his sketching while she threw cell phones at him. And Carisa could get Mel Gibson. All he’d do is drink, change his mind about everything and call her "Sugartits," as in, “I don’t like the color of those accent pillows, Sugartits.”

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Spring Fling

April 09, 2007

It’s fitting that “American Idol” returns in the spring because one of the most glamorous and nerve-wracking musical traditions in my own history occurs during the spring. I’m talking, of course, about the Holbrook High School Swing Thing Spring Fling Dinner Dance.

That sentence is a mouth full so let me dissect it a bit: Holbrook is the little town I grew up in Arizona. Swing Thing was the show choir that I was in for three years. And the Spring Fling was the yearly dinner dance we put on to raise money for our summer trip to either Disneyland or Hawaii. (These pics are from one of our summer trips—gosh, what drowsy outfits.)

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Pick a Cover, Any Cover

April 04, 2007

Before we get into the 9th episode of Top Design, I want to apologize in advance for the fact that there’s going to be a gaping hole in this week’s blog--a hole that’s shaped like Goil. Yes, Goil got the boot last week and I’m not sure which stage of grief I’m in at the moment--I think it’s Stage 11, Chocolate. The sad truth is it’s time for me to face the fact that there are other people on the show.

People like Matt, for example. Like many TD fans, I was a bit surprised to learn a few episodes back that Matt had a wife and child back home and is, in fact, heterosexual. Since then, I’ve tried to refrain from making any, “Whatever, Mary,” or down-low jokes about Matt, but now that the show’s editors have taken to mining this territory, I might have to, too.

In the opening of the episode, there’s a classic moment where it cuts from a voice-over of Matt worrying about what’s going on “back at home” directly to Matt saying that he, Andrea, and Carisa are like "Charlie’s Angels" and he’s Farrah. I’m sorry, but straight guys don’t compare themselves to Farrah. They talk about how strange and awesome her nipples are.

The gay vibe I get from Matt is similar to the gay vibe I get from Clip, the AMC Theater chain’s animated film guy mascot. He’s always leaping and sashaying around and sometimes he pretends to conduct an orchestra. He does of a lot of coy shrugs, too. I think it’s just a matter of time before I run into Clip at the Abbey here in West Hollywood. Or maybe one my friends will meet him on Connexion, trick with him, and then later claim over brunch that Clip “isn’t into dating right now” but is happy to be his "buddy."

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