I Now Denounce You, Chuck and Larry

July 31, 2007

Dave Matthews needs to blow me. No seriously, he does and here’s why: The rocker turns up in a cameo as a gay salesclerk in the I-can’t-believe-it’s-a-hit comedy I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. This upsets me for several reasons. First off, Matthews’ swishy performance perpetuates the negative stereotype of the pearl-clutching, bitchy, retail snap queen. The second is that I have a ton of openly gay actor friends who would have happily perpetuated that stereotype -- from the inside out -- if there were a decent check involved. But no, they gave the part to Dave Matthews. We all know being an openly gay actor in Hollywood is a tough, tough road. The last thing you need to worry about is losing roles to Dave Matthews. So he can blow me. Think of it as research, Dave -- retroactive research.

I did not go to see Chuck and Larry on my own accord. It was a homework assignment for the radio show that I co-host, “Twist.” I dragged along three willing friends -- fellow gay Mike and straight couple Erin and Chil -- and we made it through it. There was a Chevy’s lunch before so we knew going in that the afternoon wouldn’t be a total wash.

I would like to say I was unscathed by the experience but the truth is, as I left the theater, I felt like I had marks on my body. Not permanent scars or anything that would draw blood. More like bruises or welts or rainbow colored paintball splatters, something that someone would notice on me later that evening and say, “Geez, what happened to you?”

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Hey Paula: Episode 6

July 26, 2007

Two major storylines unfold in episode 6 of “Hey Paula” and they move me in two totally different ways: One involves Paula’s ongoing struggle with neck and back pain. This story makes me truly feel for her, more than I have this whole series. The other follows the interior decoration of Paula’s temporary rental home. This storyline makes me want to kill her with my bare hands.

She takes two steps forward. I take two steps back...

Early on, we learn that Paula’s having some renovations done to her house -- why, I don’t know because, as I’ve stated before, Paula’s is my favorite reality show house ever. Daniel, her makeup guy and best friend, is put in charge of working with the interior decorators. “I want you to help pick everything out,” Paula tells him. After she walks away, Daniel looks in to the camera and jokingly says, “Help!” He has no idea how prescient he’s being here.

Paula’s supposed to meet with Daniel and the decorator, Debra, at the rental house to go over ideas but she’s off at an Oscar gifting suite with some girlfriends. There are a lot of phone calls back and forth and exchanges like this one:

Debra: She’ll be here soon, right?
Daniel: (Shifty-eyed) Uh-huh.

Paula never shows, of course, and Daniel reveals his inner truth: “I knew she wasn’t going to come.”

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Hey Paula: Episode 5

July 20, 2007

If you’ve been reading this blog regularly, you know that I haven’t had the greatest time with “Hey Paula” thus far. That is why I’m happy to report that my Paula-palette has been cleansed this week and now I’m markedly less Paula-cranky.

The reason for my attitude adjustment is simple. A VHS tape that I’ve kept around for nearly two decades. Last Saturday, while going through videos in preparation for Outfest’s Home Video Gong Show (a free-for-all clipfest that I’ve hosted for the last nine years) I came upon my cherished tape of the American Music Awards from 1989. Some of you may remember how Paula opened the show that year with a rousing version of “The Way That You Love Me.” The number featured every hot, talented, male dancer in Los Angeles. I so wanted to be one of those guys. I was a cruise ship hoofer from ‘87-91 and I longed to someday share the stage with someone like Paula but alas, it was not meant to be.

When I think of Paula at her peak, I think of that performance. She came down from the ceiling in a metal globe like “Wicked” then proceeded to rock the auditorium: tap dancing and turning and climbing her dancer boys like stairs and then diving headfirst into their arms before bouncing back up into a seated chair lift … so great. The look on Paula’s face at the end of it said it all? “I nailed it.”

Here it is on YouTube. Enjoy.

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Hey Paula: Episode 4

July 12, 2007

Stop the presses! Is that a new Paula Abdul song that’s being played as the “Hey Paula” theme? I think it is, but why wasn’t it there from the beginning of the season? Was Paula late as usual? It’s not important. What is important is that there’s hope out there for fans of Paula’s music, like myself. I’d love a new Paula song-- or a whole CD-- to pop in and listen to.

She could call it Late and Exhausted because judging by “Hey Paula,” she’s always one or the other… and usually both. “I am late and I haven’t eaten anything,” she says early in episode 4 while in the limo on the way to an event for IDA, an organization that helps dogs. “I could probably eat a dog,” she quips. Boy, those Groundlings classes are really paying off.

Paula does a good job with her speech at the event, and allows plenty of dogs to kiss her on the red carpet. Someone who’s more into dogs than I am should write a thesis on the connection between celebs and their dogs-- particularly lady celebs-- because there’s a lot of psycho-fodder there. Better yet, maybe there could be a reality show among celebrity dog lovers, where they compete to see who loves their dogs more. I picture tongue kissing contests, poop bag relays, and a special prize for the cutest paparazzi dog photo.

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Hey Paula: Episode 3

July 09, 2007

One Sunday morning in the late 80s, I was having Sunday brunch with my then-roommates Scott and Alan and our friend Judy at the always reliable Art’s Deli in Studio City. About halfway through our meal, Paula Abdul came in with a friend and sat just a few booths away from us. Paula was hot hot hot at the time and as a cruise ship dancer on holiday, I was in in into her. ‘So what do we do?’ We asked ourselves. ‘Do we engage her? We know one of her dancers, Denise, so maybe that’s our in.’

Reaching out to a celebrity in public -- even one you may have met before or interviewed -- is always a dicey proposition. It can go great and leave you feeling high all day, or it can go disastrously and leave you feeling bad all week. A few years back, I saw Melissa Etheridge and her family at the Good Neighbor diner in Studio City. I had recently interviewed her for The Advocate and been to her home, so I thought a, ‘Hi. How ya doin?’ would be in order. She wasn’t mean or anything, but she was short and didn’t remember me at all. I felt like dick all week long. The moral of the story is: leave ‘em alone. The older I get, the more I think the emotional risks outweigh the benefits when it comes to chatting up a star in public.

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Dennis Celebrates Live Earth Brokeback Style

July 06, 2007

They say a picture’s worth a thousand words so I thought in honor of Live Earth I’d share some pictures that really capture for me the majesty of this great planet we call home. This last weekend, I went to Calgary, Alberta to check out the Gay Rodeo and take in some of the local sites (Read it in my diary).

The highlight of the trip was getting to visit Kananaskis Country where they shot much of Brokeback Mountain. It was jigsaw puzzle, beautiful everywhere you looked and a powerful reminder of what a magnificent planet we live on and how we have to fight to protect it.

Here’s the bridge where Heath Ledger as Ennis picks up his supplies.

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Hey Paula: Episode 2

July 03, 2007

“I’m tired of people not treating me like the gift that I am.” – Paula Abdul

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have our T-shirt quote. I’ve been waiting for the definitive Paula quote to put on a T-shirt and now, I have it. Fire up the iron.

I also can’t wait to use that line in my daily life. I think we all should. The next time a friend asks why you look so defeated say, “I’m tired of people not treating me like the gift that I am.” It’ll cheer you both up.

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