Hey Paula: Episode 2

July 03, 2007

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Sleep deprivation is to Paula Abdul what Irritable Bowel Syndrome is to Kelsey Grammar’s wife. Paula should put out some Lance Armstrong bracelets but instead of saying “Live Strong” Paula’s would say, “Zzzzzzzz.”

Paula’s come to New York to receive an YMA Award, which has something to do with fashion. She’s late to the ceremony—big shock—and she reads her acceptance speech for the first time in the limo ride over. Of course, she didn’t write it. Jeff the publicist did but instead of being grateful to him, Paula puts the speech down, saying, “I didn’t write this, he did.” Paula seems to think she’s being edgy and cute here but I empathize with the publicist guy who pounded it out.

Whenever celebs put down something that's written for them--like at an award show, say--I always side with the writer. A few years back, I wrote the Independent Spirit Awards so I had to come up with that witty patter that always makes stars say, "Hey, I didn't write this shit." James Woods was one of the presenters and I was told in advance by the producer not to write anything for him because he's just going to do his own thing. So, he got up there, did his own thing, bombed, and then he said something like, "Hey, I didn't write this stuff." He was blaming me for his lame ad-lib. But I wasn't upset, oh no. On the contrary, I felt like I had reached a benchmark in my career. What's the point in writing for an award show if someone like James Woods isn't going to insult you?

Paula and her posse get to the awards late so they miss dinner. “I can’t concentrate when I’m hungry,” carps Paula. It’s unclear whose fault it is that they’re late but I’m willing to bet it wasn’t Jeff’s, Courtney’s, Daniel’s or Kiley’s. So who does that leave?

The dashing Tim Gunn presents Paula her award. I adore Tim, but here, he uses so much hyperbole about Paula’s influence on fashion—“You’re a role model for me”--that you’d think that Paula invented skorts herself down in her basement. Then Paula takes the stage to accept her award, but not before warning us viewers that, “This speech might be the biggest disaster of my life.” No, it won’t, Paula. It won’t even be the biggest disaster of this episode.

Paula’s speech starts off a little rocky, but she gets through it. Later she complains that, “The lady handed me the speech and it was upside down and with the pages out of order.” I think this is a lie. I think the lady did no such thing. But it’s my word against Paula’s so I guess we’ll never know.

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