Hey Paula: Episode 2

July 03, 2007

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“I wish I was here earlier to hang out,” Paula tells Tim after the ceremony. Again, I don’t know whose fault it was that she wasn’t there earlier to hang out, but I’m willing to bet it wasn’t Jeff’s, Kiley’s, Courtney’s, Daniel’s or the four dogs’. Who does that leave?

Paula wants to make a Starbucks run after the awards, which I totally support because we all have cravings. If I were working at Starbucks that night, here’s the message I’d leave on my best friend’s voice-mail: “Holy shit! I know it’s late but you won’t believe who just came into the store with her posse. Paula Abdul! And she’s out of her fucking mind! She has no cash on her, of course because they never do, and she doesn’t have any idea what she wants to order even though it was her idea to come here. Oh, and she keeps trying to eat the Paul McCartney CDs right off the rack like they’re candy. Okay, I made that last part up but the rest is true. She super nutty and she’s actually making the other customers uncomfortable. I have to get her out of here before she pees on the floor. Call me when you get this. Bye.”

Back in the limo with her Starbucks goodies, Paula kicks the loopy up to 11. “I don’t know what time it is, I don’t know what day it is,” she says before revealing that she suffers from insomnia. “This is like Grey Gardens for the 21st Century,” my boyfriend John Michael remarks, looking up from a project he’s doing on his laptop. Now, there’s a quote the press kit.

Later in the episode, Paula’s still out of it when she goes to sample fragrances for her new perfume line. The scene where Paula’s posse and the perfume people are all sitting around sniffing little white strips that look like tampons or EPT’s is truly surreal. The good thing about sampling smells is you can’t really tell if Paula’s lost in fragrance euphoria or actually taking a little nap.

The perfume people are all very nice to Paula but I can’t help but wonder if Paula’s getting hand-me-downs from the bigger stars who came before, like Sarah Jessica Parker or Beyonce. Maybe J.Lo took a pregnancy test on one of those white sticks to see if she was pregnant with Marc Anthony's baby. And now Paula wants to turn it into an after-bath splash. That’s the circle of life.

Then it’s back to the limo where Paula’s virtually delirious. The thing about this scene that I find most compelling has to do with the assistant Courtney. There’s this moment where Paula needs something, I forget what, and poor Courtney’s digging in her bag to find it. The look on Courtney’s face is pure beleaguered soccer mom. Maybe she’s trying to find Paula a juice box.

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