I Now Denounce You, Chuck and Larry

July 31, 2007

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Dave Matthews needs to blow me. No seriously, he does and here’s why: The rocker turns up in a cameo as a gay salesclerk in the I-can’t-believe-it’s-a-hit comedy I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. This upsets me for several reasons. First off, Matthews’ swishy performance perpetuates the negative stereotype of the pearl-clutching, bitchy, retail snap queen. The second is that I have a ton of openly gay actor friends who would have happily perpetuated that stereotype -- from the inside out -- if there were a decent check involved. But no, they gave the part to Dave Matthews. We all know being an openly gay actor in Hollywood is a tough, tough road. The last thing you need to worry about is losing roles to Dave Matthews. So he can blow me. Think of it as research, Dave -- retroactive research.

I did not go to see Chuck and Larry on my own accord. It was a homework assignment for the radio show that I co-host, “Twist.” I dragged along three willing friends -- fellow gay Mike and straight couple Erin and Chil -- and we made it through it. There was a Chevy’s lunch before so we knew going in that the afternoon wouldn’t be a total wash.

I would like to say I was unscathed by the experience but the truth is, as I left the theater, I felt like I had marks on my body. Not permanent scars or anything that would draw blood. More like bruises or welts or rainbow colored paintball splatters, something that someone would notice on me later that evening and say, “Geez, what happened to you?”

And I would reply, “I went to see I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry this afternoon.”

And they would say, “Oh.”

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