ALL HANDS ON D#CK!

August 23, 2007

MY MEDITTERANEAN GAY CRUISE ODYSSEY

Ciao bella, fellas! I just returned from two weeks abroad (as opposed to two weeks as a broad) as one of 1,700 passengers aboard RSVP’s Mediterranean Odyssey cruise. I wrote all about it for Gay.com (you can check out my ship to shore installments here

INSERT THIS LINK: http://www.planetout.com/travel/article.html?sernum=12360&navpath=/topics/travel/cruises

) but I want to share some of the Euro magic with my amici here at Outzone. So here’s a dozen pics from the trip that I think capture a bit of what it was like out there on the high seas.

Here’s me, my Italian friend Christian and my boyfriend John Michael in front of the Westerdam, our home for ten days. My fave physical feature of the ship were the outdoor glass elevators, though I don’t think you can see them here. I also liked that it was painted blue. You never saw blue ships on The Love Boat, just blue eye shadow.

Not surprisingly, there was a good deal of sexual energy on the cruise. This for-a-good-time-call sign was posted on a cabin door down the hall from us. Notice the tear-off tabs—like he was trying to pick up some babysitting work. Each time I’d pass by, there would be more tabs missing. About halfway through the trip, the sign was gone. The guy must have been all booked up.

Speaking of horndogs, apparently there was a “dick deck” on the ship where folks went to hook-up ala the dick dock at P-town. I never checked it out but a friend of mine went for a stroll there with another friend, accidentally dropped his cruise card and when he knelt to pick it up, he nearly got a free spa treatment, if you know what I mean. It was like a bad ‘Don’t drop the soap’ joke come to life.

The entertainment on the ship was fantabulous. Here’s JM, Celebrity Fit Club host Ant, me and dance diva Kristine W. in Venice, Italy.

One act I had never heard of before ended up being my fave: Chicago-based singer Amy Armstrong along her accompanist and musical director Freddy. Amy can break your heart with a ballad from Wicked then turn around and belt out audience fave called “Pussy” about a poor cat that is not only hot, wet, sore and bald but also free. It’s the first time I heard a room full of gay guys shout out “Free pussy!” but hopefully not the last. Learn more about the duo at www.amyfreddy.com

Here’s another shot from Venice, the caption for which should be something like, “Jesus Dennis, it’s only a pigeon.”

This picture of the Venice sail-away totally captures the cruise in a nutshell; gorgeous, historic ports of call and guys in skimpy outfits, which is a winning combination if you ask me. Notice the clock tower—the gays can’t resist a good phallic symbol.

My favorite of all the deck theme parties—and there were bajillions of them—was the Masquerade Ball. Everyone bought beautiful masks in Venice and rocked them out on the dance floor. Here’s JM and I with our new friends Angel, John, Mike and Todd.

I got a little artsy with my photography in the incredibly picturesque city of Valletta, Malta. Here’s Ron, Todd, Christian and JM looking like a spread from the International Male catalog except no one’s wearing mesh step-ins or onionskin shorts.

Bingo was presided over by the hilarious Paul J. Williams as Sister Helen Holy, a Bible Belt battleaxe who hates the sin but loves the sinners--if this picture is any indication.

All the landings on the ship had benches like this, with some kind of blue-haired sea urchin or something sitting there with her head in her hands. I decided her exasperated expression came from being utterly gay-ed out. Ten days of themed tea dances, ass-less chap parades, pussy sing-alongs and dick deck daisy chains can take a toll. JM and Christian feel her pain.

The night we left the ship, a bunch of us hit the Gay Village in Rome. It’s this cool, outdoor, summertime Pride-like party with two dance floors in drained out fountains, retail stores, food, photo booths, booze and a sexy, mixed crowd. Here’s my new friend Mike and I in front of one of the Gay Village signs, which are all over the city. I love me some hot lesbo Cabbage Patch Kid action, don’t you?

My camera has this ‘night’ setting that takes the coolest pictures. Here’s JM and I on one our last nights in Rome, reflecting on our awesome adventure in front of the Coliseum. I positioned him in front of me to hide my burgeoning belly. I was such a pig on the ship. I ate like I was preparing to star in a Meat Loaf biopic…but now it’s back to reality…ugh. My thanks to the new friends I made, everyone at RSVP and the crew of Westerdam for a fantastic journey.

Hope you enjoyed the pics…and if any of you out there are considering taking a gay cruise, I recommend it highly. There’s something for everyone…and if you’re not finding what you want, just put a sign on your door.

Gotta Love the Golden Oldies

August 07, 2007

Let’s face it; we’ve all had erotic dreams involving “The Golden Girls.” Lenora Claire is bringing hers to life as the curator and driving force behind “Golden Gals Gone Wild,” the first-ever art exhibition entirely devoted to erotic depictions of our beloved “Golden Girls.” You read that right. It’s naughty art of the Golden Girls. Go ahead and taste the cheesecake.

I caught up with Lenore Claire a few days before the month-long shows star-studded opening on August 11th to ask her some questions. “Stuff your sock garter with money, because everything is for sale and mama needs a new weave,” advises Claire.

Where did the divine inspiration for this exhibition come from?
LENORA CLAIRE: About a year ago, I was looking for “Golden Girls” DVD's on eBay when I came across a magnificent nude oil painting of Bea Arthur and I just knew it had to have it. After a heavy bidding war, she was all mine for about $110. The funny thing was, as it turns out, the artist Chris Zimmerman was from LA and we actually have mutual friends.

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